Having a bad day? Getting worse because you have to keep explaining to people that no, you’re not sick, you just didn’t have time to put on makeup this morning? No more.
Imagine a world in which an acceptable answer to “How are you?” is pointing to a picture of an adorably pissed animal. I recommend identifying emotionally and spiritually with one of these animals, printing said pic, then presenting it to roommates, friends, boyfriends, FWBs, employers and Dunkin Donut employees in a manner that expresses “No, I’m not good, life punched me in the face today.”
You wake up to the sound of bagpipes. Dead serious, there’s a guy on your campus who just strolls around once in a while playing the bagpipes. You're normally open-minded, but it’s 8:30 a.m. Bagpipes are no one’s alarm of choice. Plus, your roommate has tried on six outfits because she’s in love with a guy in her 9 a.m. and you just need her to leave your room and life immediately.
You are trying on 13 outfits because you, too, are in love with a guy in your 10:15 class. (It keeps life exciting.) On the thirteenth outfit discarded, you realize that the move has been the black cotton dress with the three quarter sleeve the whole time. You’re thrilled. You’re ecstatic. You’re—holy shit, you put it in the dryer last night, and now it’s the perfect size for a toddler on a diet. It might fit your right arm.
3. “Life: 486, me: .4”
You’re back in bed because obviously today is not your day.
You’re freaking roommate is back from her 9 a.m., which is tragic because she won’t let you forsake the day. She literally just stole the pillow right out from under your head. In recompense, also probably to save her life, she offers you her black shift sisterhood-of-the-travelling dress to wear. You feel bang-worthy heading off to class.
At lunch, you tell your friends about how you dropped your coffee walking into your 10:15 class, which was tragic for at least three reasons. But you tell it desperately as a joke, and they chuckle politely. This is the worst response they ever could have given you. You don’t mention that you forgot to do the assignment (20% of your entire grade) because you haven’t even begun to figure out how to confine that into comedy. Also, you’re almost positive you sneezed on the above mentioned boy.
It is now 2 p.m. You need a nap and a new life. In this life, no one would ask you to do 15 calculus problems, work with rats as research assistants, direct the music for a play on campus, take a theology class, maintain a girlfriend or call your mom. (Tomorrow, mom. I’ll call. I promise.)
You decide to make an afternoon trip to the gym instead. You look like a meatball, but that’s OK because it won’t be busy. You are wrong. It is extraordinarily busy with beautiful people. They’re everywhere—on the bikes, lifting weights, wearing all sorts of sexy leggings (where do girls get these and nice butts?)—just to exacerbate your inferiority complex. You continuously peer over your left shoulder at a girl’s stride per minute and are outraged.
For dinner, you’re craving a meatball sub, but discover that you only have mozzarella cheese, jelly and bread in your fridge. You make a cheese sandwich and realize the bread is moldy after four bites. You are devastated, and also flirting with the idea of vomiting.
Oh my god, it’s 9 p.m., and you just spent two hours watching Say Yes to The Dress. You know exactly what you’re going to wear on your wedding day, but you haven’t written a heading for your paper due tomorrow. The library is bleak. People are crying, or people are dying, but there’s no in-between. You join the realm of the dying.
10. “RIP everything”
It’s 2 a.m. Your list of accomplishments: the heading, eating two strawberry pop tarts, the first page, refilling your water bottle 18 times, sneezing 13, three more pages, a caffeine pill, a small heart attack and finally a shitty conclusion. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain. Tomorrow you have to call your mom.
To continue to fill your life with objects with the animalistic symbolic value of a truly terribly day, feel free to click on the headers to products I've hand chosen for you. Like, this truly amazing Sloth Vegas Tote bag for the days you're feeling recklessly carefree.